A Fool For Love -Part Four

When Jason entered the taxi and left, I turned and headed back to my place.

Upstairs when I opened the door to  my room, I was hit by such a strong scent. It was Jason’s scent. It filled the entire place. I missed him already. I wished I could call him back. I felt so sad and lonely without him.

If you missed the first three parts, worry not. They are just a click away:

A fool For Love_ Part One
A Fool For Love _Part Two
A Fool For Love _Part Three

I had never loved or needed anyone as much in my life. I wasn’t even dating this guy and yet from the first week we met, my entire being and reasoning all revolved around him.

At that moment I sank next to my bed and whispered a desperate prayer to God. I felt trapped by my affection for Jason.
“Dear God,” I prayed, “My sins are many. For whatever it’s worth, I’m sorry”. And so I knelt down there, unable to pray further. I had no words, but neither did I move. I stayed there. I let my heart weep blood.

I had always believed in abstinence and it had always been so easy for me. It occured to me naturally. That evening however, I wondered if abstinence was even possible.  I knew it was a matter of time and I was a goner. Lately, I was doing things that made me question my sanity. I doubted I could resist Jason if he ever led me down a sexual path. The mere thought gave me shivers. I panicked, more like someone that had seen a vision of a coming, inevitable and unavoidable plague.

For the months that followed after that, I labored to resist my feelings for Jason even when it seemed like a useless fight. I went for church overnights, reached the prayer mountain, fasted, sought professional counseling and prayed. O how I prayed! I did everything humanly possible to get rid of my feelings for Jason but nothing worked.

I became mad at God. Why didn’t He take the feelings away? Why wasn’t he answering my prayers?

I didn’t want to love Jason, I didn’t want to care, I didn’t want to feel so helpless, I didn’t want to want him. But I did. It frightened me how much I loved him. I didn’t know if I could resist him much longer. It scared me how easily I compromised for him.

I would have sold my kidney for that guy.

When my best efforts failed me, the only logic that kept me sane was the knowledge that sex wouldn’t make someone love me. This fact had been drummed in my head for as long as I can remember; “If a man loves you, he will wait”. I knew fully well that sex had terrible consequences outside of marriage. I didn’t want that to be my story.

If life was hard enough for me at the moment without sleeping with him, I wondered how terribly worse it would be if I did. Getting more attached would definitely kill me.

As time went by, I was glad I had fought loving him. Jason proved to be like most men; unserious, indecisive and unreliable. Not to mention his lack of effort. In brief, he was an asshole.

However, there was a silver lining to all this. I am eternally grateful for those major flaws. They are what kept me sobber. For all the times when I weighed my options and considered compromising my sexual virtue and values, I ended up on the same conclusion:

1. It was a really bad idea.
2. Unlike Jason, I had everything to lose.
3. Jason wasn’t worth it.
               
                        The End.

Disclaimer: This is a true life story. To protect the identity of the characters involved, Jason and all the other names used in the story, were made up.

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