Relationships

Leaving Someone You Love.

We don’t always walk away from people because we hate them. Personally, I had to walk away from someone I loved most. I figured that if he loved me as much as I loved him, then he would come after me when he was ready. Otherwise, I was done playing dice. Needless to mention, walking away was far from easy. In this part, I am going to share a few hacks that helped me get by.

1. Never Threaten To Leave.
You will hate yourself each time you come back. If you do not announce, you will not put yourself under pressure to stay away. If you do not say you are leaving, it will be okay if you return even after walking away.

Everytime I told my ex that I was leaving him, I never lasted three days. It got to a point when he knew that I would always return, and I hated myself for it. One time he told me, “Go, and don’t come back!” Another time he said, “You can’t resist me”. His pride aside, I hated the fact that he was right.

On June 4, 2021; I did not announce or make threats. I just cut off all communication and physical interaction. I did not think it would last, but I took it one day at a time. As we speak, it is now more than 12 months since I communicated with him; and nearly sixteen months since we ever met in person. Had you told me this was possible in 2018, I would have thought you were on expired weed.

2. Admit To Yourself That You Love him/her.
Admitting is often the first step to solving any problem. A useful tip would be: ‘Never underestimate anyone’. The heart has reasons that reason does not understand. You will be surprised when you find yourself entangled in a romance with someone you least expected.

I fell in love with the person I least expected. He was not that handsome; and he did not do anything I expected from a man I was dating. Even worse, he never loved me the way I wanted to be loved.
There I was, screaming for someone’s love and attention that did not even measure up to my standard. Who did this guy think he was? How did I stoop so low? At the end of the day, I blamed myself for not doing better.

Thinking it would help, I constantly told myself that I hated him. Heaven knows I hated him most times! However, experts have likened being in love to being stuck in sinking sand; the secret is not to fight it. The harder you fight, the faster and deeper you sink. I remember feeling both inner calmness and defeat when I admitted to myself that I actually loved this guy and that there was nothing I could do about it. Denial does not help. Later when I gathered the courage to start distancing myself, it only worked because I told my heart that I was not leaving because I hated him. I was leaving because I loved him too much for my own good.

3. Take It One Step At a Time.
We invest months of time and effort when we fall in love. Surely you do not expect to wake up one day and stop loving someone in one day. This too is a process that requires nearly as much dedication and effort. Give yourself time and start with the simple things.

I knew my ex’s number off head, so my first step was texting him only when he talked to me first. At times I had to hide my phone from myself.

I also had to cut my long paragraphs to one word sentences and replies. If he asked how work was, I would just say, “fine”. The little he knew about me, the better. With time he had perfected the skill of using what I said against me.

If anything happened and he was the first person I wanted to tell, I would just journal or jot it down in my phone’s writing app. I purposed never to call him. I kept most of everything to myself.

Considering that I did not have close ties with most people because I had built my entire existence around my ex, I focused on making my relationships more meaningful. I called my friends a lot more often. I also visited and spent a lot of time with them.

Later I upgraded to ignoring his texts. Next, I unsaved his number. I was tired of the status-viewing. If I am being honest, most of my statuses were just ways of screaming for his attention, cause I knew he was watching. Now that he couldn’t view my posts, I hardly posted anymore. In addition, I deleted the contacts of those that knew him. This way, I did not want to know anything going on in his life.

You too can unfollow your ex on social media, avoid meeting with him or her.…or ditch any other activity that is holding you captive. Take simple but intentional steps of freeing yourself from captivity

4. You Are Not Alone.
Look at some of the most beautiful women on the planet. They that have everything you would possibly want; beauty, wealth, popularity, success, fame… you name it; and yet they too have experienced the pain of heartbreak. Look at Selena Gomez. Her boyfriend of close to 8 years proposed and married another woman two months after their split. Love is complicated for everyone, everywhere. You are not alone.

Face your insecurities. Usually when your partner gets someone else, you question your worth and value. This is the time when all your insecurities will scream at you the loudest. So many times, all these are just lies from the pit of hell.

For me I thought it was because of my size, acne scars…and a long list of other insecurities. Later before our split, I realized it was none of those. Turns out he liked fleshy ladies and that he thought I was beautiful. When I voiced my insecurities, he was like ‘Nooo…You’re my munchkin’. Too sad I had gone around for years thinking that the reason he wasn’t commiting was because he didn’t think I was good enough. No offense, but looking at the girl he married, damn I’m so much better.

Healing for me came when I looked at ladies that had it better with the things I was insecure about, and yet they too hadn’t gotten the guy. Even with everything going for you, you can still suffer at the hand of love.

5. Don’t Show That You Care.
Allow him to date and do whatever he wants. If he truly loves you, he will not cheat. You need to understand that sometimes the people we love do everything we hate in the book just to spite us. Yes, they will intentionally do things you hate just to kill you on the inside. Knowing this fact will help you guard your heart by not taking it personally.

One Sunday I got a text from my ex.

Him: Just here with my girlfriend. Spending quality time together.

Me: haha…no one cares. It should be special between the two of you. Besides, my family wouldn’t have liked you; so it’s a win-win.

From there, his texts changed to me not caring and all that. What did he want, a medal? Of course I was hurt, but did not want to show him that I was. Because of my reaction, he never again texted me his nonsense of being with whoever. To him, I didn’t give a potato where he was and what he did. Had I made the mistake of crying and acting desperate, his jazz every week would have been about him and his girlfriend doing whatever- just to hurt me.

6. Forgive Yourself.
It is okay to make mistakes. Some people have had sex, gotten pregnant, had abortions, contracted sexually transmitted diseases and infections….It is fine. Whatever your case, forgive yourself.

Sadly, we find it easier to tell those that have messed up that it is okay and that better days lie ahead. However, when the tables turn and it’s us in that space, we beat ourselves up and call ourselves foolish. We hide in shame. This is not proper. It does not matter what you have done. You can always start over on a clean slate. Forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes and do better. Never give up on yourself.
“Head Up Gorgeous”.

The End.

Thank you for reading. Write to us: echoesovercoffee@gmail.com

7 Comments

  1. Ayebare Patience Joy

    June 9, 2022 at 2:58 pm

    There’s so much to ponder on in this piece.
    Soul ties are a joke until you find yourself in one and its like there’s a magnet constantly pulling you to this person even when deep down you are persuaded they ain’t good for you.
    So I’ll add a number 7 to this which is;
    7.Pray
    Pour it all out to God,he’ll sort it,he won’t judge you neither will he go behind your back and talk about your dilemma, he’ll fix your heart and then teach you how to discern before you let someone into your life again.

  2. Echoes Over Coffee

    June 9, 2022 at 3:41 pm

    Thanks Joy, 7 sounds good. Talking to God should be a non-negotiable. From Him springs wisdom and solutions to all our problems.

  3. Tukamushaba Godfrey

    June 12, 2022 at 8:42 am

    Number 6 stands out for me.
    It’s very important to forgive ourselves and let go of our past. Our past can be like prison to us.

    1. Echoes Over Coffee

      June 12, 2022 at 8:52 am

      True. We are by default so hard on ourselves a lot of the time. I am learning to be a lot more gentle with myself.

      1. Tukamushaba Godfrey

        June 17, 2022 at 6:56 pm

        Yeah 😊

  4. Patience Asinde

    June 23, 2022 at 6:25 am

    You chic, thanks for always speaking my mind.I didn’t know that its true ” ideas collide” before i started reading your articles.

    1. Echoes Over Coffee

      June 23, 2022 at 6:55 am

      And that’s exactly why I write. People’s lives are a lot more similar than we’re willing to admit. Thanks for always reading and for the comments Asinde💓

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