Relationships

Marry In Haste, Repent At Leisure

Birds build nests before giving birth. It’s unfortunate that most people don’t seriously consider marriage and children before heading down that path. Majority of them have the mindset of, ‘we will figure it out’. But not me; I decided years ago that that will never be my story. We were sent to school so we can know and do better. As an adult, you should be able to have a family only if you can sustain one. If your partner pulled out or replaced you and refused to support you financially, would you be okay?

In January 2019, I met Kombo, a Kenyan gentleman who works for the same company as my sister-in-law. We talked about so much. At the end, he gave me two marriage tips; “Always communicate in marriage, and aways give a man sex whenever he wants it”. In his late thirties, Kombo already had two wives, and children with both. Even worse, his most recent wife was threatening to leave him because he travelled a lot. At the time of our meeting, he confided that he wished he was only just getting married and starting a family.

The month prior, I had just gotten to know that the man I was interested in had a child. In a casual chat with my mom, she had said it was alright. This was the best time to bring it up. I asked Kombo whether he would advise a girl to get married to a man with a child elsewhere. He looked me over and then smiled. “How sure are you that when he goes to see the child, it’s all he goes to do? You’re young, just focus on graduating and upgrading in your studies if you can. Build your career and make money. Marriage will come later in life. There’s no need for you to rush. A man is as old as he feels and a woman is as old as she looks”.

That same month, I had talked to one of my relatives who had been ‘married’ unofficially more than twice, and had children from two men. Her current husband did not want her to work as a way to control her. He had five other wives, and children with them all. “Don’t get married,” she said to me, “there’s nothing good in marriage. Work hard and make your own money”.

Four years later in 2022, I had a chat with my immediate neighbor last month about life. Along the way, the topic of marriage popped in. “If God helps me and this woman leaves me, I will never ever re-marry”. I was dumbfounded when he said that, so I just looked at him. “I told her the same thing and she is aware. If she ever wakes up and says she is leaving, I will never get another wife. Marriage is difficult. True, there are some great things about it, but the hard times are more”. Now everytime I think about what he said, I focus on enjoying my singlehood.

Just yesterday, I asked someone if she would advise anyone to get married. “You should be sure,” she responded with a serious look on her face. “If it were me, I would get married at age seventy, knowing I only had ten years to share with someone else, and then I die,” she added. Matter of fact, she has been married for some years now and has a son. “You make your decision and live with it,” she concluded.

Last week, I asked one of my role models the same question. She has been married for more than five years and has two children. She replied, “Yes yes yes, I would. Marriage is a beautiful thing”. And I agree, there are some people with thriving marriages, very happily married.

Personally, I would love to be stable in my finances and every other space of my life before I commit to marrying someone’s son. With or without a man, I should be able to offer my babies the best. It’s a ‘hope for the best and plan for the worst’ kinda thing if you asked me. Better safe than sorry. God forbid I lose my husband a few years after marriage; what then? Let him be rich, but so will I. I need to know I won’t have to shift from a mansion to a single-roomed-house if my husband gets out of the picture for whichever reason.

My parting shots would be, “Must you get married, be ‘sure’ about your partner and be ready. Marriage does not make your problems go away”. As the British say, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure “- you don’t want that to be your story.

The End.

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5 Comments

  1. Julius Natuhwera

    August 21, 2022 at 7:24 pm

    Marriage or being in a relationship, is a commitment. Also think falling in love is a risk that every one has to take at some point. It may or may not work out. Sadly, the more research you do, the longer it takes for you to start. You just have to make up your mind and start the business. When it works out, then you win, if it doesn’t, you learn a thing or two and move on.
    So no one will give you the right answer or opinion. Each answer you get, leaves you with more questions and you may never start.

    1. Echoes Over Coffee

      August 21, 2022 at 7:59 pm

      I think everyone has to do their due diligence. Why are people so reckless about matters of their hearts and life long commitments….and yet pour so much effort and research into which schools to go to, University courses, career, jobs etc… I believe that more than anything else, people need to give a damn about who they spend the rest of their lives with, and when to make that commitment -if at all. Make an informed decision. Just like Paul stated in the Bible, marriage is not compulsory-(1Corinthians 7).
      Jesus for one never married. You can still be complete without a spouse. Only get married if and when you want. Not because of all the wrong reasons that people do so. At the end of the day, it will be just you and your spouse…not the millions of people you tried to impress.

  2. Echoes Over Coffee

    August 21, 2022 at 8:13 pm

    1 Corinthians 7:28
    But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

  3. Tukamushaba Godfrey

    August 28, 2022 at 11:08 am

    All I can say is, a marriage with out God in the picture, is most likely to fail. Chances are high. The problem is, we always try to study our selves/ work out things on our own. Yet we have God who knows the manual for each one of us. We should be able to involve God. Been going through a hard time and am seriously learning from it.

    1. Echoes Over Coffee

      August 28, 2022 at 11:14 am

      Sorry about the tough time you’re going through. True, marriage is God’s idea and it is most successful with him in the picture. I met a couple this week and they said something similar to what you have said. It can’t work without God.

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